Long have I accepted that the tears that I’ve shed are never going to bring you back.
Long have I accepted that you left me for another because it’s easier that way.
Long have I accepted that even if I try to move the heavens and the earth, you still wouldn’t stay.
Long have I accepted that you are happy with someone else.
Long have I accepted it and moved on.
I am obsessed in being whole for I am nothing more than shards of broken pieces, trying to fit together, trying to make sense, trying to put back what was broken.
But I guess, I can’t be whole again. Not when I’m thinking like this. Not with this heavy feeling in my chest that bothers me. Not when I’m letting my sadness define me.
Yes, I am sad, perhaps even clinically depressed. I find socializing a little bit tiring and draining. I am stressed with academics and there isn’t someone that I can talk to. I try to act that everything’s fine but I’m really not. I was so close to breaking down the other day. This is why I need to learn to love myself and for that I am obsessed in feeling whole, in loving myself, and finding happiness.
Behind that door, is something that I never intend to go back to.
It’s where I left the ghost, and my supposed to be future—with you. But I never really left first did I? I waited and waited and waited for you to come back. I spent days, weeks, months just trying to keep myself together, thinking and hoping you’ll be back. And that’s when I knew, I was wasting my time when you really have no intention of going back.
It took a lot of courage just to walk out of the door when all my life all I knew was that I love you and we were supposed to spend the rest of lives together, and now it’s not possible. How could it—when you left?
One day you might realize your mistake of leaving me. One day you might come knocking on that door again, well guess what? You’ll never find me there, because I have no intention of going back.
I remembered how your love for me was like a suitcase neatly packed — ready to go when things gets worst.
Maybe it started with the small fights that you eventually decided to get a suitcase. And with each fight you packed a couple of things or maybe two. It came to a point that you are already full and you decided that just one more and you’re gonna leave this hellhole. And afterwards, you did.
You left and never looked back. You left but there are also things that you’ve left with me —things you want to get rid of, things that are not worth keeping, things that are easily replaced.
I can’t imagine how easy it was for you just to leave like that without notice and perhaps now, I understand it a little bit better.
You were ready to leave me when things gets worst. You were always thinking about yourself; not thinking about the person that you left behind. Because in your mind, you may have the intention to come back, but deep down you know you never did.
No words can measure on how much I miss you. Yes, I admit, we we’re together yesterday but not being able to text you the whole day because I have to study exams is a little…. tough for me.
It has been a routine for me to text you, and not being to do so, it feels like kind of torture, don’t you think?
I miss how our hands are perfectly intertwined. I miss your skinny arms around me as they make me feel safe. I miss how a text from you could always put a smile on my face. I miss late night strolls with you. I miss those late night deep conversations with you. I miss the way you pat my head. I miss how you keep saying that you can carry me, but I won’t let you. I miss the way how I keep bullying you, and you’re completely fine with it. I miss how you always let me sleep on your shoulder after a long day. I miss how you always call me fluffy. I miss you and your pets. I miss the sweat-smelled hugs.I miss the way you kiss my forehead. And lastly, I miss you even if there is no “us.”