I am obsessed in being whole for I am nothing more than shards of broken pieces, trying to fit together, trying to make sense, trying to put back what was broken.
But I guess, I can’t be whole again. Not when I’m thinking like this. Not with this heavy feeling in my chest that bothers me. Not when I’m letting my sadness define me.
Yes, I am sad, perhaps even clinically depressed. I find socializing a little bit tiring and draining. I am stressed with academics and there isn’t someone that I can talk to. I try to act that everything’s fine but I’m really not. I was so close to breaking down the other day. This is why I need to learn to love myself and for that I am obsessed in feeling whole, in loving myself, and finding happiness.
Hi, hi. This is Azarella, the author of the blog. I would just like to extend my gratitude to everyone who’s reading my blog and especially leaving comments, liking my posts and encouraging me to keep on writing. You all made me very happy. And you inspired me to keep on writing.
P.S. I’m working a new project for my blog right now. I hope you’ll like it, once I post it. (Hint: involves poetry and black) 😉
It has always been you. The person who cannot be more than anything but my crush. My childhood friend.
The years passed by, we went to playing together as kids to not talking anymore. It’s probably because we went to different schools and we probably stopped hanging out.
You were nothing more than an acquaintance, until I saw you again. I believe I was 10, and you were 11. And ever since that day, I knew—nope, I always knew that I kinda liked you.
As years passed we met again, I thought my crush for you just went away. But then I saw you around the campus. Our eyes met. And believe me, it was the longest 3 seconds of my life.
I can’t stop thinking about the way you made me feel. The jittery, fluttery, the-skip-a-beat thing, the i wanna scream right now because you are looking at me, all of those insane things but yet what I have for you still remains to be innocent. I don’t long for you the way that I usually do with my lovers. I don’t imagine what it’s like to be in your arms or imagine kissing you. It’s different. You are different.
Perhaps, it’s the way that we don’t see each other that often. Or the way you look so good in those nerdy glasses. Or is it because we have the same musical taste. I don’t know really. All I know is that, what I have for you can never be reciprocated and I’m okay with that.
It’s this feeling that I wanna remember forever. The innocence of what I have for you.
Like a computer, I need to be refreshed. To put some new information and perhaps delete some in me and I’m not talking about logic or facts but new information about my feelings— of how I am doing.
To be honest, everything is routine now. Wake up-work-watch tv series-read-sleep and the same thing happens everyday. And this kinda bores me. But I guess that’s life and maybe that’s why I need constant refreshment to add new things in my life and make it colorful.
Also, with refreshing, you also delete things to add new stuff and I guess, this is where my hatred for you goes. I don’t hate you anymore but I’m still not ready and I know I haven’t moved on. It’s just the hatred is now gone and with it goes with my anger. Anger, the driving force of what makes me write the past few weeks.
I guess, I needed a new feeling, feel a new emotion, find a different driving force, something new to do everyday.