Long Have I Accepted

Long have I accepted that the tears that I’ve shed are never going to bring you back.
Long have I accepted that you left me for another because it’s easier that way.
Long have I accepted that even if I try to move the heavens and the earth, you still wouldn’t stay.
Long have I accepted that you are happy with someone else.
Long have I accepted it and moved on.

You don’t understand. You can’t and you never will. You don’t know what it feels like to feel all the pain and feel numb next and still be in love with him. And the funny thing is, I thought you would, but you didn’t.

You see, I cannot hate him. I can’t and perhaps, no matter how hard I try, I never will. But isn’t that what makes this world so beautifully cruel? That you can never hate the person that you love the most but you keep on thinking that it would be so much easier of you would. This is a paradox and the most vicious one.

He left and yet came back wanting for us to be friends. I know I shouldn’t accept him after all the times that he has hurt me, but then what could I do? I love him. I can’t leave him broken and miserable.

All I can do is support him and when he’s better; I’ll slowly slip away, pretend that it’s not killing me and gradually forget him, if I can. Someday, these feelings will be gone. And I’ll tell you how tragically beautiful it would be to stop hurting and accept the life I have now. And when that time comes, I hope you understand.

Years from now, maybe I will still think about him of what had and could have been but then I will feel no regret that we tried. I will feel no remorse but only acceptance. That it’s better to leave things like this than continue dragging him down. And when the time comes perhaps he and I will meet again. And when that happens, I hope we’re happy.

And it was the person you turned out to be—the person that you hate; the person you didn’t want to be—a person you are afraid to be. It just sucks when all your life you’ve been trying to avoid being that kind of person but in the end, life has a funny way of twisting things and it makes you the person that you hate the most. And that was when the person that you hate the most was yourself.

You never wanted the things to turn out this way. You never wanted any of this. For you it was nothing more than just a “friendly chat”, but it never was  to the people around you. You think it was alright because you were doing no harm. You think it was alright. You think….. You think selfishly.

You didn’t realize the damage that it could have done—that it did. You didn’t realize that things would turn out to be this complicated. You didn’t realize that you were hurting other people because all you think about was yourself.

But is it bad? Is it bad to finally put yourself first? It was only that one time that you felt selfish—that you decided to take it up on your own. It was just one time. One bad selfish thing. And now? Everyone is looking on how bad you are because of that thing. All the goodness that was inside you—you’ve done for them is now…. just… *poof* vanished. They don’t see that goodness in you anymore. All you are to them is a big disappointment. Nothing more than a failure.

It hurts doesn’t it? Not being able to live it to the expectations that those people around you because that was what you were taught—that was how you were brought up. You were so used to getting everyone’s approval—putting other people’s need before yours. But that decision you made—made you genuinely happy or least you hope that it does. You turned into a person you thought you could never become. You became happy. You are happy. And I’m happy for you.

That’s why you should stop hating yourself. It was never your fault that you are happy—that you being happy is making everyone miserable. At the end of the day, it’s your happiness that matters; that you matter; that when everything goes down, all you have is yourself.