Three months ago. We came to a crossroad. You choose to walk the other way and left me on the other side.
I don’t hate you for walking the other way. And it surely wasn’t you, leaving me alone; because being alone didn’t terrify me. It was actually the fact that you gave up on us when you said you never would—again.
But I thank you because of you, I learned to walk alone. I learned to live with myself. I learn to love myself when I thought no one would. Thank you for walking out of my life before I destroy myself any further for you. And lastly, thank you for teaching me, what I want.
My days with you are long gone. You are merely a tragic memory of what we used to be. I’m now used to the days that you are no longer here. But I do admit; there are days I feel like you are here —haunting me with memories of what once was a happy fairytale; an echo of our loud laughter; your warmth beside me as you whispered, “I love you.”
I realized that being with you was the happiest I could ever been. Just cuddling in bed and watching tv series was one of the best dates I’ve ever had. We sneak kisses between episodes and laugh afterwards.
You taught me that I could be something more—more than just the quiet little girl in the room. You believed in me when no one else did. Listened to my problems and endless rants and still patiently tried to understand me. You were the best “almost” that happened to me.
But things started to get rough. You started fighting with me instead of fighting for me. It was not just once or twice but a lot of times. And altogether, you gave up on the possibility of us from happening.
It was one cold night that you said goodbye but I refused to let you go. And I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t have let our happy memories together with the struggles we’ve been through to find our way back to each other fog my judgement. I should have known better.
Yet at that moment, all I knew was that I love you too much to let you go.
I remembered how your love for me was like a suitcase neatly packed — ready to go when things gets worst.
Maybe it started with the small fights that you eventually decided to get a suitcase. And with each fight you packed a couple of things or maybe two. It came to a point that you are already full and you decided that just one more and you’re gonna leave this hellhole. And afterwards, you did.
You left and never looked back. You left but there are also things that you’ve left with me —things you want to get rid of, things that are not worth keeping, things that are easily replaced.
I can’t imagine how easy it was for you just to leave like that without notice and perhaps now, I understand it a little bit better.
You were ready to leave me when things gets worst. You were always thinking about yourself; not thinking about the person that you left behind. Because in your mind, you may have the intention to come back, but deep down you know you never did.
It has always been you. The person who cannot be more than anything but my crush. My childhood friend.
The years passed by, we went to playing together as kids to not talking anymore. It’s probably because we went to different schools and we probably stopped hanging out.
You were nothing more than an acquaintance, until I saw you again. I believe I was 10, and you were 11. And ever since that day, I knew—nope, I always knew that I kinda liked you.
As years passed we met again, I thought my crush for you just went away. But then I saw you around the campus. Our eyes met. And believe me, it was the longest 3 seconds of my life.
I can’t stop thinking about the way you made me feel. The jittery, fluttery, the-skip-a-beat thing, the i wanna scream right now because you are looking at me, all of those insane things but yet what I have for you still remains to be innocent. I don’t long for you the way that I usually do with my lovers. I don’t imagine what it’s like to be in your arms or imagine kissing you. It’s different. You are different.
Perhaps, it’s the way that we don’t see each other that often. Or the way you look so good in those nerdy glasses. Or is it because we have the same musical taste. I don’t know really. All I know is that, what I have for you can never be reciprocated and I’m okay with that.
It’s this feeling that I wanna remember forever. The innocence of what I have for you.