Like a computer, I need to be refreshed. To put some new information and perhaps delete some in me and I’m not talking about logic or facts but new information about my feelings— of how I am doing.
To be honest, everything is routine now. Wake up-work-watch tv series-read-sleep and the same thing happens everyday. And this kinda bores me. But I guess that’s life and maybe that’s why I need constant refreshment to add new things in my life and make it colorful.
Also, with refreshing, you also delete things to add new stuff and I guess, this is where my hatred for you goes. I don’t hate you anymore but I’m still not ready and I know I haven’t moved on. It’s just the hatred is now gone and with it goes with my anger. Anger, the driving force of what makes me write the past few weeks.
I guess, I needed a new feeling, feel a new emotion, find a different driving force, something new to do everyday.
I’m lost—so lost. It’s been a long time since I’ve been here. Who knew that I’d find myself, once again, in this very dark hole, with nothing but a girl who’s reflection is staring back at me.
She looks so familiar, but different altogether. She’s a little rough on the edges but she tries to take care of herself. She likes dark clothing as I have noticed. But the thing about her is that, her eyes. You can see that she’s been through a lot and is trying to keep it altogether. But life. Life pushes you around. She’s so tired of everything already, pretending to be strong when all she ever wanted to do was break down.
They say eyes are the window to the soul, but they didn’t tell me how deceitful it could also be, until I stared into yours.
I stared into your eyes seeing the galaxy—on how vast your eyes and mind could wander. I stared at them and see the depth of what your past has mold you into the person that you are today. I stared into your eyes and I see the future I wanna have with you. Have a happy ending, get a big house, have kids and of course, dogs.
But I guess, I didn’t look hard enough. I didn’t know that in your eyes, all it was were mere reflections of what I wanted us to have. My judgement were clouded with my crazy delusions of you wanting the same thing.
I should’ve looked a little longer to see what you really want. That you wanted nothing to do with it; that you just wanted this to be over with.
And it’s over, faster than you could even look at your window.
Let this be my one last fight. I am tired. For so long, I’ve been fighting for what I think is right. It used to be us—fighting side by side; protecting each other. But now I see, you are on the other side and I had been alone all along. I don’t care anymore how this battle will end. I just want it all to end because even the bravest souls can also have a tired heart.
Each fragment of you was shelved beautifully. The good ‘ol memory of us was in my “forever cherished” shelf. The times when things were good—the times when we didn’t give a damn—when it was you and me against the world. Those are the things that I remember on my good days. But when things are bad, I go to the shelf of dark things; things darker than the night. And those were the memories of us fighting; where I hold my grudge against you.
You had me at the point where I would have given the whole world to you. Why didn’t you fight for me like I did for you? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Wasn’t I enough?